the crouton cutter

I will never understand the extreme self-confidence that some guys have -- complete, bottom of the barrel douches, yet somehow think they are coolest things since IPods and worthy of really accomplished women. If I had a dollar for every time I got hit on by the biggest tool in the joint, I'd be able to pay my freakin credit card bill off.

I went on a date with one of these guys a few summers ago. I was at a local college bar with a girlfriend, and it was a typical Saturday night in a small town. We met a couple of guys and decided to strike up a conversation with them, nothing serious. As we were getting into our cars, one of the guys runs across the street to catch up with us, and asks for my phone number. I thought the move was cute, he almost got hit by a cop car to get my number. He was attractive enough, and our conversation was peppered with wit, so I figured why not.

We met up for drinks a few days later, and went through the basic profile information exchanged on every first date. I went first, and told him about my grandiose dreams of becoming a housewife, and how living at home was slowly crushing my spirit. Then it was his turn...

He told me how he was just "hanging out" for right now. Side note: Boys, just "hanging out" is NEVER A GOOD ANSWER. Make something up if you have to. Don't tell me you are living in your parents basement smoking pot all day, and drinking $2 pitchers all night, and expect me to be impressed. In college that would have been the coolest thing ever, but we're grown now. Get a job.

In my head, I'm like, ok maybe this kid graduated but hasn't found a job yet. Normal enough for post-grads. Not so, my friends. He was kicked out of COMMUNITY COLLEGE (not that I'm knocking community college, im just saying, if you have the money, they let you in) for getting into a fight on campus. Real prize winner. At this point, my manners were the only thing keeping me there. I asked him what he did during the day and he said he worked for Merrill Lynch. Pretty legit, or so I thought. Merrill is a reputable company, and it would be fine if he was even an assistant. I asked what he did specifically, and this is how the conversation went:

Me: So, what do you there?

Him: I work in the cafeteria. I make the croutons.

Me: Ha ha, wait, oh...what do you mean you make the croutons?

Him: Well everyday, I take the leftover bread and cut them into little cubes. Then I season them and bake them.

HE LITERALLY WAS THE GUY WHO CUTS CROUTONS. I was on a date with the man who makes the little toasted pieces of bread for your salad. I was on a date with The Crouton Cutter.



Needless to say, after that first encounter, I never saw him again.